I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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