Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
