i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
