i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
