If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
