I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
