the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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