Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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