Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
