right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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