Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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