im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
whose parrot is this?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
