My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She bit a glass in half.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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