Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
