The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
