you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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