Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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