I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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