youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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