I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
