I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
