How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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