Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
