I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
