Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
