Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
