I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
