Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
