so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
He has the fingertips of a God
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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