It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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