our cab driver is having phone sex.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
