note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
