the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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