then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
