My liver just broke up with me...
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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