I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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