Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
