Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
