I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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