you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
