the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
