So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
