Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
