I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
