his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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