She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
