hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
