Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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