i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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