I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
