i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
