I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
He kissed a someone with a penis
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
